Offside rule for females:

“You’re in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and “whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

Dear Girls – you have just learned the offside rule. It’s that simple”

Quarter Final Humour

A England Fan and a Portugese fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway, on the way to the Quater finals in Gelsenkirchen . Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.

“This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends” says Equardo the portugese fan “I agree” replies the Steve the England fan

The Equardo then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of The Finest Portugese Port he had been saving.

“Look” he says to Steve, “this must be another sign from God, we should drink this Port to celebrate our friendship and survival”

He hands the bottle over to the steve who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to Equardo, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.

“Aren’t you having any?” asks Steve. “No” replied the Equardo, “I think I’ll wait til the Police get here.”

It has arrived and I had a play on it last night. It rocks. For those wanting to know what it looks like this is a page where I stole this image from:

It is 4.9 square metres big and is a good kite, to quote the bumf:

Flexifoil Blade 3 is the ultimate in ram-air inflated traction kite with big lift for land, snow or water use. This third generation series takes the legendary Flexifoil Blade to a new level, combining the incredible power and stability of the Blade II with a new size range and a mass of exciting new features to seriously enhance your flying experience. With the Blade 3, even the larger sizes perform to the max with a faster turn rate, increased power and more stability than ever before. Recommended for intermediate to advanced flyers – and those with no fear . . .

It flies completely differently from my bullet and has, unsurprisingly, much more lift in it. It is slower to turn and just hasn’t got quite as much raw bite as the bullet so I can definitely see myself using both in different conditions. I now just need to get used to it, get better at jumping and then combine that with a board to, you know, be way cool. I also introduced a friend, Emma, to the kiting last night and have heard such statements as “i hate you” and “I blame you for the fact I can’t work today as I can only think of kiting…”, another person gets the bug.

This weekend I am going over to Hydro for one of their events and really looking forward to it. Most of the Lickey Hill Flyers are camping over so it should be a weekend of flying, bbq’s, beer and music. Muchos fun.

I can also advise that trying to sort out in-sewer-ants-polly-seas and car tax and friends on the last day is not a way to enjoy a warm day, especially when work is nuts at the moment.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a darn word you’re saying.

10. Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-funky opinion would be…?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27! . Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Oh. I get it… like humor… but different

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall in the dim light and freezes like he’s a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap “Oh look,” says the first nun, “it’s a soap dispenser”. To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood…. sure enough
he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells, “Holy Mary, Mother of God – Hand Lotion, too!”

What’s the definition of Suspicion?
Two nuns in a cucumber field.

I bought a Blade III 4.9m kite today. It should be here by the weekend

Play tight.

Loose is no good.

So the weekend was good. Went to the Boiler Room on Friday which was a cool place. Played some poker Saturday morning and went flying in the afternoon. It was Gaz’s birthday shindig in the evening which wasn’t too bad. Sunday saw me sorting various things out in the morning, lunch at the Plough with the rabble and then down to Hydro again for some flying. I managed to get some proper boarding done which was ace. I am finally able to manage the kite and my feet, posture and balance enough to not only move along but do it at speed. I just need to learn how to tack back, at the moment I am still having to do the n00b walk of shame back to my kite spike (where you anchor the kite to the ground when you aren’t flying). In the evening I went to Robs house where I was struggling to stay awake during Top Gear, and to motivate myself to stay awake, ended up going to see X-Men 3 which was quite cool.

I am currently suffering big style with my Hayfever kicking into overdrive. I feel drowsy, thick headed, my nose is blocked and my eyes are nice a blood shot and finding it tricky to focus. Most people would predictably go, “so what is the difference”, particularly in reference to the thick headed bit, but I wont venture towards that joke. It’d be too easy. I am hoping the anti-histamine I am taking will help, but all I can say is, welcome to the summer.

‘Gubbins’

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, “I’ve decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday.” His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, “Go talk to your mother.”

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. “Mum?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday”. The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, “Go talk to your father.”

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday.” The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!”

About half an hour later they’re all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says: “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today?” The son says, “Yes dad I have.” “Good son, what is it?”

The son replies,

“I’ve only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you Germans !”